as 50 piores músicas de todos os tempos

A revista norte-americana Blender publicou em sua última edição uma daquelas listas que todo mundo ama odiar. Eu confesso que adoro porquê que pode virar assunto de boteco. Cheers (hic!).

A Blender fez uma lista das 50 piores canções de todos os tempos. Ali há canções que eu e você amamos, o que torna tudo mais interessante.

Odeie a lista o quanto vc quiser. Mas que o primeiro lugar é realmente merecido (não é, Rodrigo?) isso é.

50 CÉLINE DION
“My Heart Will Go On” 1998
And on and on and on…

Worst Moment The third chorus, where she goes from soft to eye-bleedingly loud.

49 RIGHT SAID FRED
“I’m Too Sexy” 1992
The answer to Spinal Tap’s question “What’s wrong with being sexy?”

Worst Moment The so-called chorus, in which, instead of mumbling, Fairbrass tries to sing. Stop it. Stop it now!

48 THE BEATLES
“Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” 1968
You can practically hear them gritting their teeth

Worst Moment The woefully unconvincing laughter in the final line: “If you want some fun — heh-heh-heh-heh! — take ob-la-di-bla-da!”

47 BRYAN ADAMS
“The Only Thing That Looks Good on Me Is You” 1996
It’s Great-Uncle Disgusting — from Canada!

Worst Moment “…There’s only one thing that fits me like it should.” Ick.

46 NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK
“Hangin’ Tough” 1989
Boy-band blueprint!

Worst Moment The boys warn: “Don’t cross our path or you’re gonna get stomped!” Scary!

45 JA RULE FEAT. ASHANTI
“Mesmerize” 2002
The most hated man in hip-hop — for good reason!

Worst Moment The two-note chorus, which is a laundry list of female body parts.

44 MEAT LOAF
“I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)” 1993
Bitch-titted balladeer seeks dictionary

Worst Moment Shamelessly aping “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” the boy-girl duet kicks in at around the nine-minute mark.

43 UNCLE KRACKER
“Follow Me” 2000
Sleaze-rap DJ goes solo, blows like Hootie

Worst Moment Knowing every rhyme before it happens — the first time you hear the song.

42 SIMON & GARFUNKEL
“The Sounds of Silence” 1965
If Frasier Crane were a song, he would sound like this

Worst Moment “Hear my words that I might teach you”: Officially the most self-important line in rock history!

41 BILLY JOEL
“We Didn’t Start the Fire” 1989
Can you fit a cultural history of the twentieth century into four minutes? Uh, no

Worst Moment “China’s under martial law, rock & roller cola wars!”: No way does conflating Tiananmen Square with Michael Jackson selling Pepsi trivialize a massacre.

40 COLOR ME BADD
“I Wanna Sex You Up” 1991
Small-penis alert!

Worst Moment Toward the end, la-la-la’s creep in under whispered phrases like “Lay back and enjoy the ride.”

39 RICKY MARTIN
“She Bangs” 2000
La vida proves not to be so loca after all

Worst Moment “She looks like a flower but she stings like a bee/Like every girl in his-to-ry!”

38 REDNEX
“Cotton Eye Joe” 1995
Just what the world needed: a Swedish techno-bluegrass crossover

Worst Moment Rednex have spent more weeks at number 1 in Germany than any other artist of the last 25 years.

37 GERARDO
“Rico Suave” 1991
He was Vanilla Ice for the Telemundo set

Worst Moment Nothing brings a dance floor to a screeching halt like the line “I’m used to good ol’-fashioned homestyle Spanish cooking/If I try that, I’ll be puking.”

36 MASTER P FEAT. SILKK, FIEND, MIA-X AND MYSTIKAL
“Make Em Say Uhh!” 1998
Cristal meets constipation!

Worst Moment Each hook, which sounds like the “before” section of an Ex-Lax ad.

35 R.E.M.
“Shiny Happy People” 1991
What were they thinking?

Worst Moment “Throw your love around, take it into town, put it in the ground, where the flowers grow.”

34 DAN FOGELBERG
“Longer” 1979
Dear Mr. Fogelberg: Why not consider a stage name?

Worst Moment Any musician who uses the phrase forest primeval with a straight face must be stopped.

33 AQUA
“Barbie Girl” 1997
Scandi-wegian pedo-pop alert! Erk!

Worst Moment “Rapper” René Dif’s basso profundo “Come on, Barbie, let’s go party.”

32 WILL SMITH
“Will 2K” 1999
On New Year’s Eve, the Fresh Prince drops the ball

Worst Moment In the running for the Worst Pun Ever award, Smith raps, “The new millennium — excuse me, Will-ennium.”

31 CRASH TEST DUMMIES
“Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” 1994
The worst hum in music ever

Worst Moment Any time Roberts sings a vowel.

30 WHITNEY HOUSTON
“Greatest Love Of All” 1986
“Sexual chocolate!”

Worst Moment Picture a whacked-out Whitney and Bobby staggering through Israel in his-n’-hers prayer robes, then listen to the climactic line, “They can’t take away my dignity.”

29 DEEP BLUE SOMETHING
“Breakfast At Tiffany’s” 1995
So bland, you can actually forget you’re listening to music while it’s playing

Worst Moment Has there ever been a more boring line in a song than “And as I recall, I think we both kinda liked it?”

28 JOHN MAYER
“Your Body is a Wonderland” 2001
Get this man a cold shower

Worst Moment Mayer describes the “deep sea of blankets” on his bed. Ewww!

27 EUROPE
“The Final Countdown” 1987
The worst thing to come from both the band and the continent itself

Worst Moment The synth trills remind us that before they were a crappy metal band, Europe were a crappy prog-rock band.

26 THE DOORS
“The End” 1967
The most pretentious rock star’s most pretentious song

Worst Moment According to online lyrics guides, that last vocal eruption actually contains the words that constitute the most appropriate response to the song: Fuck you.

25 PUFF DADDY FEAT. FAITH EVANS AND 112
“I’ll Be Missing You” 1997
…and your platinum-selling albums. Sob!

Worst Moment The mumbling insincerity of the spoken-word intro: “I saw your son today.…He looked just like you.”

24 FIVE FOR FIGHTING
“Superman” 2000
Musical kryptonite

Worst Moment Those falsetto notes in the chorus are enough to bring Osama bin Laden and Lex Luthor to their knees.

23 COREY HART
“Sunglasses At Night” 1984
If you look up one-hit wonder in the dictionary, this is what you’ll find

Worst Moment The chorus, in which Hart warns, “Don’t switch a blade on the guy in shades, oh, no,” was an attempt at tough-guy posing, but it made him sound like the musical equivalent of Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club. That is, not very tough at all.

22 TOBY KEITH
“Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American)” 2002
Oklahoma redneck runs for office on Hate ticket

Worst Moment“We’ll put a boot in your ass; it’s the American way,” Keith sings, mistaking revenge for ideals of liberty.

21RAUL SEIXAS
“Maluco Beleza” 1974
This is what happens when Paulo Coelho goes pop music...

Worst Moment “the orchestra arrengementes trough all the out of style chorus”

20 LIONEL RICHIE
“Dancing On The Ceiling” 1986
The world’s least convincing party song

Worst Moment The fake party ambience, clearly the work of bored studio employees forced to whoop and cheer.

19 MR. MISTER
“Broken Wings” 1985
The thoroughly nasty sound of yuppie angst

Worst Moment The synth bass solo.

18 CHICAGO
“You’re the Inspiration” 1984
And you thought the Cubs were the biggest losers in this town? Wrong!

Worst Moment That power-rock drum fill before the second verse, apparently designed to mollify hatas who thought the band had lost its edge.

17 HAMMER
“Pumps and a Bump” 1994
Next stop: bankruptcy court!

orst Moment The line “You wiggity-wiggity wack if you ain’t got biggity back” must have been found on Sir Mix-a-Lot’s cutting-room floor.

16 FOR NON BLONDES
“What’s Up?” 1993

Worst Moment The first chorus, in which Perry unleashes the one thing ’90s rock had lacked to that point: yodeling.

15 THE REMBRANDTS
“I’ll Be There For You” 1995
With friends like these…

Worst Moment Four handclaps punctuate the song’s first line, all mimed peppiness and overprescribed Prozac.

14 BETTE MIDLER
“From a Distance” 1990
Satanic ballad depicts the Lord as neglectful oaf

Worst Moment The drum machine. If God exists, He probably hates drum machines.

13 GENESIS
“Illegal Alien” 1983
Did nobody ever suggest that this song might be considered a teensy bit…offensive?

Worst Moment The middle eight, featuring hilariously accented shouting of the arriba! and eh, greeengo! variety.

12 THE BEACH BOYS
“Kokomo” 1988
They might as well have just pissed in Brian’s sandbox

Worst Moment The most diabolical rhyme is saved for, um, first: “Aruba, Jamaica, ooh, I wanna take ya!”

11 CLAY AIKEN
“Invisible” 2003
Bad haircut. Worse song!

Worst Moment “I wish you could touch me with the colors of your life.”

10 PAUL McCARTNEY AND STEVIE WONDER
“Ebony and Ivory” 1982
Racial-harmony dreck

Worst Moment The repeated chorus at the end — where the song gets even chirpier.

9 MADONNA
“American Life” 2003
Desperately seeking…contemporary relevance

Worst Moment After rapping, Madonna sings, “Nothing is what it seeeems” in a manner drained of all profundity.

8 EDDIE MURPHY
“Party All the Time” 1985
Beverly Hills Cop commits felony pop

Worst Moment James oozes, “She-likes-to-paaarty — all — the — tiiiime,” leaving us in no doubt about what kind of “party” he has in mind. Relax, ladies: He was on crack.

7 BOBBY McFERRIN
“Don’t Worry Be Happy” 1988
Oh, great — a bumper sticker set to music

Worst Moment The whole wretched thing.

6 HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS
“The Heart Of Rock & Roll” 1984
A celebration of rock music …by a band seemingly intent on destroying it

Worst Moment The second verse, when that cheeky Huey almost uses the word ass. Ah, 1984 — such a simple time.

5 VANILLA ICE
“Ice Ice Baby” 1990
When hip-hop stopped being the “black CNN”

Worst Moment “To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal/Light up the stage and wax a chump like a candle.” None of this was remotely true.

4 LIMPBIZKIT
“Rollin’” 2000
In which nü-metal veers from disaffected rage to “Will this do?”

Worst Moment Being addressed as both “partner” and “baby” in Durst’s drawling intro, shortly before being told, bafflingly, “You know what time it is.”

3 WANG CHUNG
“Everybody Have Fun Tonight” 1986
If this song was a party, you’d lock yourself in the bathroom and cry

Worst Moment That chorus: “Everybody have fun tonight/Everybody Wang Chung tonight.”

2 BILLY RAY CYRUS
“Achy Breaky Heart” 1992
At least the haircut never caught on. Oh, wait…

Worst Moment An instrumental break that single-handedly rejuvenated the line-dancing fad.

1 STARSHIP
“We Built This City” 1985
The truly horrible sound of a band taking the corporate dollar while sneering at those who take the corporate dollar.

Veja no site da revista também:

The 50 piores artistas na história da música
The 50 piores coisas que aconteceram na história da música
As 50 extravagâncias mais burras dos rock stars

E as listas do "bem-nem-tanto" (segundo a Blender, claro):

As 500 maiores canções desde que vc nasceu
500 CDs que vc precisa comprar antes de morrer!

*dica do B&R Jampa, mais sumido que garrafa de grapete laranja.

Blogado por Enio Martins @ janeiro 15, 2007 11:50 AM